Typical questions, we go through in our lifetime!
Age 21 & above: When are you getting married?
Once married: Why don’t you have kids yet?
1 child down: Why don’t you plan for another one? Do you want your child to be lonely forever?
If divorced: What?….Why? What would society think of you? Who will take care of you? Please don’t do this for “kids sake”, your sake, your family’s sake!
Have we ever bothered to ask a married couple? Why are they still married? Are they happy? Then why do we question their decision of divorce? Why is being divorced viewed so negatively?
Huh! You okay him/her being stuck with the wrong person all their life. Whether the love exists or not!!! One should stay married either for kids, family or society…!
If it’s just for kids! Let me ask you something.
You want your kids to grow up and find love. Right? Then you are definitely not setting a right example by being in a marriage that is clearly not working, where parents are pretending to love each other, or worse, you can barely be civil to each other. If you stay married for the kid’s sake, you are teaching your kids to hate the institution of marriage as the things that they are learning from a bad marriage are far worse; daily arguments, shouting, violence, sadness, hatred.
These episodes leave a permanent scar on that little and tender heart of your child.
There are few typical preconceived norms that the Men/Women have to go through while or after divorce:
- Every time you tell someone that you are divorced. They would want to know all the details! What? Why’s and How’s???
“Did he/she have an extra marital affair or was he/she abusive or violent? Falling out of love is not enough of a reason at all”
“We just have nothing left in the relationship. It’s all a routine. We tried everything from therapy to romantic dining but it’s just not working. We are not happy together. Our parents think that it’s not good enough of a reason to divorce each other” – Anonymous friend!
- Then they play the victim card for you. Poor You! Forget him and Move on Speech!
“ You did the right thing (this is applicable only if your significant other was cheating on you or was abusive or an alcoholic, etc.)” If it was compatibility issue, then it’s your fault, why didn’t you adjust?” Marriage is all about adjustment!!
I still personally know many women/men who are in an abused relationship and are not ready to do anything about it either because of love or they are not in a position to take care of their kids (financially)
- Be strong! Of course I am strong that’s why I could take this decision.
“Finally, I could slap him today, that so called man who has been beating my mom for past 15 years. All this while, I was waiting for this day when I could stand next to him, look in the eye and slap him” – A 15 year old son of a helpless mother
- They pity you. Feel sorry for you. I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. I was drowning when I was in that relationship and coming out of it is a success. Stop treating me like a lost cause.
My husband was a Gay. He couldn’t tell it to his parents. So, the only way he could continue his relationship with his boyfriend (who’s my cousin) was by marrying me! – A frustrated/virgin wife.
There are endless nightmares like this. Going through a break up or divorce, you need to change your outlook too. These are not tips but just my general observation & a humble attempt for friends & people around me going through’ divorce:
- Stop saying that “You don’t care”. You do care and you always will as they were an important part of your life once and sooner you accept that, better for you.
- “They will regret or pay someday for what they did to me.” May be and May be not! But in any case, it shouldn’t matter to you. That’s what is called “Moving on” – Accept it please!
- “Love/Marriage is a sham – I don’t want to marry again.” I can understand if you don’t want to marry again but I am sure you do want to fall in love. You are just too scared to get hurt in the process again. You are scared that you might have the same luck and you might end up alone forever. Or, the other reason could be that you are too self-centered to be able to spend your life with anyone again. Its human – to love & care!
- It was all my ex’s fault – No! It wasn’t. It takes two to make a marriage work. If not entirely, you might be responsible for this somewhere too. Your friends who are feeding this thought in your brain are not doing any good to you. And even if it’s true! Get over it. And stop this blame game!
- The thought of having “Sex with someone else disgusts me” – That’s because you are still sulking and you haven’t found a good date yet. It just takes time but, I am pretty sure, the day your heart will find that right one who will make your heart heal again.
- “I don’t care about what people think about me”- Yes, you care and you do get affected by other’s opinion but you shouldn’t. It’s okay to say, “My life sucks right now”. You will love your life and everything around you. But it takes time.
There is a beautiful Hindi song, very typical line, but very true.
“Kuch toh log kahenge, logon ka kaam hai kehna”
People will say something or the other, it’s their business to talk,
Women are mostly looked as a “Victim” and the Men as the “Culprit”. We just are busy generalizing our opinion instead of understanding “What they might be going through?” Let it be a man or a woman, the pain is same for both after or while going through something like divorce or a break up. Men just tend to show it less and women are more vocal about it.
I am not promoting divorce here.
I believe in marriage and believe in that commitment where you decide to stay and do everything you can to keep it from falling apart. But sometimes, it just doesn’t work no matter how hard you try. So you must give each other a chance to move on and show them, there’s still a hope for a better future even if things have gone wrong. Today your kids might not understand, but one day they will Thank You for it!
Society & your friends might not understand but it’s your life and you deserve to be HAPPY.
Note: Happy Holidays friends! Give this a thought and your feedback matters! So, don’t forget to leave a comment or if you want to share your experience, do drop me a mail or message and if you want, we can be discrete about it J